Fields of Snow
by Serenity Goddess
Summary: As it snows, Buffy contemplates whether she should accept a marriage proposal. (B/X ... kind of)


FIELDS OF SNOW  
  
  
Buffy shivered as she brought her cup of coffee closer to her lips. The   
temperature was lower than usual that day, and Willow's radiator didn't seem   
to be working well. The slayer indulged in the hot, steaming coffee for   
several seconds before putting it back on the table. She hugged herself for   
warmth.  
  
"So, how did it go?" Willow asked casually as she kicked the radiator   
lightly. It made a strange churning sound for a moment. It did not seem to   
get any warmer so she kicked it again. A pathetic clang sounded. Willow   
clenched her teeth and hands in frustration.  
  
"He asked me to marry him," answered Buffy, looking out of the window   
beside her. It seemed quieter that day, and the streets were   
amazingly empty. She looked at the apartment building opposite and spotted a   
family huddled together watching television. "Again."  
  
Willow frowned and looked at her best friend. She put her hands on her hips   
in a half-reprimanding, half-disappointed fashion. "What did you say?"  
  
"I would think about it," Buffy didn't seem interested in answering Willow.   
She found her current act of voyeurism more worthy of attention. "Again."  
  
"You've got to tell him."  
  
"It's not as easy as it looks."  
  
"You've been delaying it for God knows how long," Willow told her, taking a   
seat beside Buffy. "It's not fair what you're doing."  
  
Buffy didn't move her gaze from the window. She placed two fingers on the   
window pane and wondered what the family across the street was talking   
about. She tilted her head sideways and continued looking out the window.   
"Look - the baby's all curled up on daddy's lap."  
  
Willow took hold of Buffy's shoulders and gently turned the blonde around   
so they could talk face to face. "You've got to tell him you don't love   
him."  
  
The twenty-nine year old slayer pretended to give Willow a confused look.   
"I love Xander."  
  
"Not the way he loves you."  
  
Buffy gave an exasperated sigh. She turned away from Willow, and spoke   
slowly. "Maybe marrying Xander wouldn't be such a bad thing - maybe we'll   
have children. I've always wanted to have children."  
  
"You can't keep misleading him, Buffy," Willow replied, tired of having the   
same conversation over and over again. "The only reason you're with him is   
because he is the safe choice, and you're too afraid to take a chance on   
anything else anymore."  
  
Buffy couldn't help but think that Willow was right. Xander was safe. She   
was tired of danger. Angel … and then Riley… they had led her to believe   
that she would never have a fulfilling relationship with someone like them.   
All she ever had with them was a few short moments of happiness, and then a   
lifetime worth of pain and heart-breaking memories. She loved Xander, but   
she didn't love him in that way. He was the right choice for a future   
together, but he was never her choice.  
  
When he had attempted asking her out the previous year, she had readily   
accepted, eager for a change. What she discovered was that she enjoyed   
spending time with him, and that he cared for her. Maybe that was all she   
needed at the time. She let herself carry on with the relationship, although   
the love was only flowing one way.  
  
One of the other reasons she kept on with Xander was because he was the   
only person she could actually have a future with. He was normal. At least   
compared to the others. A foolish part of her believed that if she held on   
to him long enough, she would learn to love him, and then they could both   
get what they wanted. She could finally have a family , she could finally   
settle down, and she could finally have a normal life. He could be with   
someone he loved, someone who loved him back.  
  
Unfortunately that didn't seem to be happening. She had never felt anything   
more than friendship for Xander , and she doubted she ever would. He was her   
best friend, he was the person she could talk to. He was perfect, but she   
wasn't in love with him. And Willow was right, she couldn't do this to him   
any longer. She couldn't let Xander go on believing she was in love with him   
- she can't keep playing her stupid charade anymore. She would break his   
heart again.  
  
"I'll talk to him tonight." Buffy replied softly, the words escaping her   
lips sadly.  
  
"Good." Willow nodded in approval, but she felt that this was not what   
Buffy wanted to hear. She put her arms around Buffy. "The sooner you tell   
him, the less it'll hurt."  
  
Buffy looked down. "But it'll still hurt."  
  
***  
  
She knocked on his door rapidly. She was not looking forward to what was   
going to happen. When there was no reply, she hammered loudly and yelled his   
name. She heard a muffled reply and waited. Xander opened the door and   
smiled when he saw her.  
  
Buffy stepped in, and Xander closed the door behind her.  
  
"Hey." Xander greeted her with a kiss. She didn't kiss back. Xander pulled   
back and looked at her, putting his arms on her shoulders. "What's wrong?"  
  
"We have to talk."  
  
"I don't like conversations that start like that."  
  
"Like it or not this is something we … I have to do." Buffy tried to sound   
as calm and unmoving as she could. The worst thing for her would be to let   
her feelings get in the way. She didn't want to hurt him. "I … don't think   
we should see .. each other anymore."  
  
"I guess that means a 'no' for my proposal, eh?" Xander gave her short   
grin.  
  
Buffy turned away and pushed his arms off her. "I'm not kidding."  
  
His eyes seemed to drop and his features twisted to a sad expression. He   
idly put his hands in his pockets and walked to the window. He bit his lower   
lip and watched her through the reflection.  
  
"I'm sorry," Buffy said apologetically, "It's just that … that I don't love   
you."  
  
"I kinda knew that." Xander replied, glancing at her for a moment before   
turning his back on her again. "You never loved me. I could tell. I guessed   
that … foolishly enough … I had this flickering hope that if … after a while   
… you might. Love me."  
  
Buffy was taken aback at how alike they were. She nodded softly and took   
two steps towards him, not knowing what else to do. "I'm sorry."  
  
"You don't have to." He wiped his forehead. "It was stupid. Someone like   
you could never love someone like me. I just wanted to know what it felt   
like. Even if only for a while."  
  
She felt tears welling in her eyes, but she didn't want to cry in front of   
him. It killed her inside that she was doing this to someone so wonderful.   
"Don't say something like that. You don't deserve me - you deserve someone   
who'll love you with her entire heart. Someone who'll love you the way you   
love her. Someone you'll marry and have a great life with. Someone who'll   
make you happy."  
  
"You make me happy."  
  
A tear rolled down her cheek and Buffy hastily wiped it away. She hoped he   
did not catch that, but he did.  
  
"Every time you smile , every time you laugh," he continued, as he watched   
her through the glass. "You make me happy."  
  
"Please, Xander..." Buffy begged. "You're not making this any easier."  
  
Xander turned around and faced her. His once beautiful brown eyes seemed   
red with grief. His words were steep with insincerity. "All right. You did   
what you came here to do. You can leave. I'll get on with my life. Somehow."  
  
She stepped up to him and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. He responded   
by merely turning away. She looked sadly at him. "Thank you for loving me.   
I'm sorry I couldn't return the favour."  
  
He didn't answer.  
  
Buffy felt the tears run down her cheek. She had lost her best friend, and   
she had no one to blame but herself. Things would never be the same again   
and she knew it. She wiped the tears from her face and turned to go. She   
stopped and looked back at him one more time. He just stood there unmoving,   
by the window. She walked to the door and looked back again, as if foolishly   
hoping for a last chance of redemption or forgiveness. She received neither.   
She opened the door and walked out slowly, leaving behind the one person   
that had truly loved her.  
  
Xander waited to hear the door closing before he turned around. She was not   
there anymore. He didn't expect her to be. He stared at the door and his   
heart fell to pieces. He placed his palm against the window, as if its touch   
would mend his broken heart.  
  
When he grew tired of looking out of the window, he curled up in bed and   
slept, and he dreamt of times when he was with her, times of when he was   
happy.  
  
THE END 


End file.
